The dynamics of friendships

In life it never ceases to amaze me how complex, vacuous, egotistic and irrational we can be as humans.

Initially I was going to blog on my great dislike for public transport, Instead I have taken it upon myself to blog on the dynamics of friendship. Yes I know there is no direct correlation between the two. But it was on my mind and so to put my mind at rest I’ve decide to blog about it.

Friendships are not as solid as we believe them to be, in life friends can come and go just like seasons, it’s just a part of life and something I’m learning to deal with. 

A good number of my (close) friends have passed the threshold of just being friends and have become (chosen) family. So when I lose/breakup with my (real) friends for one reason or another it’s like losing a family member.  

Of late my (girl) friends and I have been on the receiving end of abrupt excommunication; over something either stupid or trivial. The latter is behaviour I have only witnessed in females; I can’t quite picture males behaving in such a manner. If you are going to stop talking to someone, delete them off your blackberry list, Facebook, Twitter and your phonebook; for the sake of maturity, have the decency to let them  know (exactly) what it was they did or said to offend you and move on. That is if you consider them a friend. *Typing from experience*

I’m not sure if it’s the genetic disposition of females i.e. higher the levels of oestrogeon that makes us behave crazy/irrational/temperamental and consequently have more friendship DRAMA’s than our male counterparts. I think that I, (we) use the friend term too loosely; there is a distinct difference between friends and acquaintance/associates. Just because we become seemingly familiar with people, have conversations on Facebook now and again, like their status, borrow their pen, complement someone on their hair, does not  equate to friendship.

Till this very day a person who I considered a ‘friend’ is yet to tell me what I have done and why she felt it was necessary to stop talking to me. To give you a brief overview, the person in question has had countless squabbles with several other people and so my rationale is she is the (main) cause and not me, why? Simply because she is the common denominator amongst all the NUMEROUS altercations she has had. To put it mildly

Countless fallouts with various people = You are the problem

In no way am I offended that she decided to cut me out of her life; rather I am offended that she didn’t have the courtesy to make known what I had done wrong. My belief is, if you can’t make the (simple) effort to let me know then I equally can’t be bothered to chase and hunt you down. Life is too short for chasing.

The only reason why it peeves me to fall out (a rare occasion for me) with those I consider ‘friends’ is that I find myself in an awkward position where being civil with one another makes me uneasy. With my close circle of friends I have on occasions bumped into my ‘friend’ where I am unsure if it’s best to:

Pretend I cannot see her and look towards the ceiling as if there is something of interest

Say hi (when really inside I’d rather pull out a strand of her hair to show her how immature she is)

Or pretend that nothing has happened

I think it is always best to break up with people but yet still find the civility to say hi when you happen to bump into them; however it makes it a tad harder when you are oblivious to your wrong doings. But with age comes (some) wisdom so I just act as if everything is normal and ensure there’s no animosity between the two of us.

Maybe the problem we, (I) have is that those we call friends are merely good acquaintances and only appear as friends due to a false sense of intimacy.

Writing about this made me think that perhaps I should be the mature one and inquire into my short comings or how I failed in the expectations that she had set for me? We are not perfect (although we do generally tend to believe that we are always right) we all have our faults, so if I do offend you let me know. Contrarily my stubbornness (some call it pride) will permit no such thing! So I will remain in the dark and can only make my own assumptions. If I am scrupulously honest negating my stubbornness, it boils down to the reality that I just believe it’s not worth my time, energy or effort attempting to rekindle our dwindled friendship.

I am all for fixing friendships and mending fences, however not everything that is broken needs to be repaired and sometimes the best option is to let go or let sink. We tend to cling onto friendships simply out of habit and comfort despite knowing it has passed its expiration date.  

What  I can say is know who your (real) friends are, the contribution they pay in your life and decisions concerning whether to make amends/salvage/repair should be easier. By knowing who your (real) friends are you will realise who is worth fighting for. 

Ps Lionel if you happen to read this and think how hypocritical I am, sorry hormones can make females/me do strange things (that’s my story and I’m sticking to it)! I will never succumb to he said she said for as long as I live!  

Quality over quantity any day

xxxx

Will the REAL ballers please stand up!

In case the title of my blog has thrown you off guard (I apologise I decided to tap into my urban side) please ignore me, I don’t actually have an urban side! Defining a baller was somewhat more testing than I had anticipated; it’s one of those words in my mind I can clearly define -but to articulate becomes awkward. In order to get a definition that may illustrate my point (for those of you who are foreign to the term baller) I have consulted the trustworthy (I use that term loosely) urban dictionary.

A baller: One who is in a state of being extremely rich and likes to show off how rich he is. (Urban dictionary, 2009).

What ignited me to write this blog was my inability to grasp, whether its peoples sole purpose on earth to flaunt their alleged success. So this blog is not intended for real ballers rather at the counterfeits!

I tend to find that these individuals are people who ensure that at any given opportunity, everyone and their dog can see their Gucci belt, Louis Vuitton ruck sack, Gucci scarf, Rolex watch, Prada shoes, Parker pen and their Fendi toilet roll. Ok, I admit slight exaggeration with my last statement; does designer toilet roll even exist?

Common characteristics of a supposed baller (let me not single out) baller/ballerettes:

·        Popping expensive bottles of champagne in the club

·        Owning an expensive car (which is usually on finance or rented)

·        Wearing expensive jewellery

·        Wearing the most expensive hair (if you’re reading this and you happen to wear weave. I recommend you either get Remy or Brazilian hair it’s a good investment, you won’t regret it)

·        Having the latest designer handbag

All the above are acceptable as long as you:

·        Don’t have three credit cards that have need to be paid off

·        Are able to still do your weekly food shop (unless you have some sort of eating disorder)

·        Can still pay all your bills

·        Actually have money in your account which isn’t through fraudulent activity.

If you were wondering, yes I just made up the word ballerettes for the purpose of this blog, let me not discriminate females are also at fault!

I am sure that most people are familiar with the phrase ‘If you have it, flaunt it.’ The definitive words being IF YOU HAVE IT! Where my agitation lies, is with the individuals who project a bogus lifestyle. To us they appear as someone to envy but at home they scrounge for pennies. I encourage optimism, however I also believe in practicality so if you get paid £4.35 an hour maybe it’s not wise that you spend your wages on a luxury yacht. Illogical but there are ludicrous people who would if inevitably they could grow a fan club. 


I'm not knocking people buying luxuries or wanting the good life. What I am rebuking are those people who buy into a lifestyle (for image purposes) which is simply beyond their means and one they simply cannot afford and maintain.

Don’t get me wrong this is not the case for everyone; there are plenty of people with their head screwed on. It just so happens, I have unfortunately come across a few. Disregard the above it’s not unfortunate, I wouldn’t have written this blog otherwise. 


For one reason or another I find that this type of behaviour is predominantly amongst young people and in particular males who fall in the age brackets of 18-27. Whether I am being biased, I will leave you to decide. Although in making such claims, I am conscious of the female population, who are equally guilty of such transgressions. There is nothing wrong with weave if done correctly whether it’s Remy hair or Brazilian hair you choose. However there is a problem, when you sew weave to your head at the expense of having your monthly bus pass that gets you to work. I can only hope the bus drivers appreciate the time, effort and sacrifice that has gone into your hair and lets you on for free. I was never one to play the name and shame game thus the guilty young lady will not be named on this occasion.

Interestingly individuals with real money, more so wealth (two different things but I will not go into the technicalities) and assets if you will; those who are economically considered millionaires and billionaires are more discrete with their attainments. From afar some billionaires hardly look like they own anything, with all due respect Richard Brandson, Bill Gates and numerous other billionaires wear plain clothes. If it is a high end designer you would need a magnifying glass in order to make out the logo (unlike the counterfeit ballers who make known what brand they are promoting (wearing). 


Society would be a better place if people were much more frugal and truthful to themselves. We all have free will and if it satisfies you and makes you feel like you are the new P. Diddy (whatever he tends to call himself these days) Jay-Z, or any other glorified celebrity; then not much can be said. Whether the possession of luxury goods (which you cannot afford) makes you feel like a worthy human being is a question only you can answer. If discretion is not your strong point and impressing others and seeking attention is something you hold dearly to your heart, then please at least do it with a modicum of honesty.

Although after writing and discussing this with my close friend, it’s apparent that priorities differ from person to person, therefore it is a lifestyle choice. To some people looking good is ranked higher than intelligence or learning, others may rank feeding their shoe and bag addiction over moving out from under their parents.

Is there an age limit on this type of behaviour; is this predominantly something males do more so than their female counterparts?

Respect is just a Minimum

So I’m on a crowded train on the way back to university on a Sunday after doing some food shopping.

This is not your ordinary food shopping (at Sainsbury's or Tesco’s supermarket) this is the type of shopping when mummy dearest is absent, you take as many items from the kitchen. If you can, you extend this to other areas in the house (bathroom, storage cupboard etc) you take everything possible. From yam, chicken, rice, sweet potato, nail polish remover and pray she just doesn’t notice. If she happens to notice hopefully you’re on the way back to university and divert your phone to voicemail to avoid her ranting! Not that I’ve personally tried.

Anyway back to the topic at hand; so whilst on the train my hands are glued to my blackberry (the device made to distract you from the world). So I’m indulged in one blackberry messenger conversation or another minding my own business, although my blackberry was unable to hold my interest for long. Consequently out of pure nosiness, I result in listening to banter between a mother and her daughter and out of nowhere the daughter has an abrupt OUTBURST and articulates to her mum and everyone else on the carriage  ‘Fuck off and leave me alone!’ I was actually silent for a minute or two in order to fathom what had just transpired. The girl looked no older than 16 (your typical teenager that thought she knew it all) and from the tone of her voice this wasn’t a joke. This young girl was as adamant as ever; as adamant as the Chinese man on the street corner attempting to sell you his £5 (bootleg) DVD.

Lucky for her, she does not have my mum that would have been the first and last time she uttered such words on God’s green given earth. Although in saying this not just with this specific scenario but regarding life in general; I am an avid believer that people really do treat you how you allow them to treat you. Cliché I know but it’s true we cannot force people to respect us, but we can ensure that we’re not disrespected- well at least try. So somewhere down the line, this behaviour was considered acceptable in her household otherwise she wouldn’t be on the train with such disrespect!

I would say my mum and I are exceptionally close nevertheless there’s an invisible boundary. An invisible boundary placed for a reason and one I stay well clear from. As much as my mum is my friend she is still my mother and I value my existence so it’s something that I would not contemplate doing. Unless I wanted to join the send back home club. This is a club whereby unruly children are normally lied to and told that they are going on holiday (whether it’s Nigeria or other various places in Africa) and never see England again.

I would on occasions have these discussions at university with my friends reminiscing about the discipline our parents used to enforce and the way in which black parents tend to discipline their kids (the type social services would consider abusive).To be frank I don’t care if your white, Chinese, yellow, orange or purple; respect should not be centred on your skin colour or race. It’s your mother who carried you for nine months and would have made some sacrifices for you, the least you could do is show some sort of respect.

It could be possible that I was mistaken and this type of relationship was considered ok, an agreement between the mother and daughter which they were happy with. Contrary to the above the look on the mothers face displayed otherwise, she looked exceedingly embarrassed and if there happened to be a hole on the train I’m sure she should would have dived right in and hoped it swallowed her instantly!

*Quick prayer*God please don’t give me rude unruly children, lack of manners and respect are my greatest pet peeves.  Please please please only allow the respectful eggs to be fertilised. AMEN

It’s no surprise with programmes like Supernanny where children are rewarded for things such as eating. Frankly my mum didn’t have time for rewarding me; especially if it was something I should innately do. Don’t get me wrong she would praise me, as children need to be praised as well as told off, it’s part of their growth process. However if I downright refused to eat she wouldn’t patronise me by saying ‘Good girl Nikky eat your food... that’s a good girl!’ She usually declared to me if I wasn’t hungry to go to bed and within a millisecond I would pick up my fork and eat (truth be told I was hungry); my naughtiness and attention seeking self would sometimes prohibit me from doing so.

Respect shouldn’t just be for our elders essentially it should lengthen to those that are younger than us. The elderly have a tendency to drum on about respect for elders and place so much emphasis on it ignoring and isolating respect for younger people.

Am I the only one that believes respect and manners does not cost anything, yet people fail to comprehend this simple concept. Prime example when you happen to walk into a shop and hold the door for someone behind you, thank you would suffice but the rude individual follows you behind without muttering a word. I was not aware that I had been employed to open shop doors for the general public.

After writing this I cannot stress enough that RESPECT is just a minimum whether it’s your aunt, your uncle, next door neighbour or the dustbin man; if only people would heed to this! But I end on this- respect also needs to be earned, however that’s another blog in itself.

And if you fail to be respected maybe you should demand it, how you go about that is at your discretion.